One of the easiest ways to recognise emotional intelligence or EI, is by seeing what it’s definitely not.
And the gold star example of that is David Brent from the British version of The Office. You remember him – boasting about a promotion in front of staff who have just lost their jobs, announcing he’s the best boss his staff will ever have, generally being that person none of us want to be.
Sadly, we’ve all had real-life moments when The Office has visited our workplace.
As a professional coach, I regularly witness the David Brent moments that go on in rural and regional offices around Australia. (That’s not to say they don’t happen in the city – I just don’t see them!)
But what I hear more often is how my clients have learned to put their EI into practice – recognising their feelings, speaking with care, listening with care, creating a relationship with their staff.
(If you need some Spark Notes on EI, read about how it’s a middle manager’s best skill and why we need it at work.)
Understanding the theory of EI is one thing, but putting it into action is another.
How Can I Use EI To Talk To Staff?
Learning to speak with emotional intelligence is a skill that all managers can learn – your EI grows and develops with experience.
Like any new habit, it will take time, practice and awareness to listen carefully, watch closely, speak thoughtfully, and aim to construct a genuine connection with people.
To help you make a start, here are 13 examples of The Boss From Hell versus The Boss From EI Heaven, in scenarios that I bet you can see in your own workplace.
What’s the Secret To Getting This Right?
The secret with any management practise is awareness – awareness of yourself and others. After all, that’s the definition of emotional intelligence.
– Say each pair of phrases out loud
– Notice the reaction in your head and your body
– See which statement in the pair ‘feels’ better to you
– Consider which will get a better reaction if delivered to someone else
– Use the ‘Pro EI phrases with your team and see how it changes the dynamic
What Are Some Examples of EI At Work?
No EI : You did what?! My office. Now.
Pro EI : Hey, Jamie. When you’re free, could you come and give me some background on that email you just sent? I’m free from 1pm today.
No EI : Yes, yes, you keep saying that. Exactly what do you want me to do about it?
Pro EI : I know this is something you’re really passionate about. It’s great that you care. Can you talk me through the practical steps for making that change?
No EI : Oh, yes, that’s fascinating, really fascinating… [looks at name on lanyard]… Sam.
Pro EI : Now that’s an idea, Sam. I wonder if you could work it into a presentation for our next team meeting? Don’t forget to list all the pros and cons.
No EI : Well, we all read the ridiculous thing that the CEO just said in her email. As if this team doesn’t pull its weight!
Pro EI : Team, I just wanted to follow the CEO’s email by acknowledging the amazing effort we’ve all put in. I, personally, am so proud of the difference we’ve made and you should be too.
No EI : Right, so we all know about the problems with the new system. Too many of you are just not following instructions. On this slide, I’ve made a list of the issues and whose job it is to fix them.
Pro EI : It doesn’t look like the new system is working as well I’d hoped. I wanted to get you all together to hear what problems you’d noticed and if you had ideas for how to fix them.
No EI : Err, yes, well, umm, I forwarded that email to Finance on… was it Friday? Haven’t they got back to you?
Pro EI : Oh, thanks for reminding me. No, I don’t know what’s happened with that – but I’ll chase it up now.
No EI : [rolls eyes] We’ve been over this before…
Pro EI : Can you help me understand which step is causing you trouble and what I can do to help?
No EI : You were about to lose it back there. I saw it. Have you got an issue with me? Go on – spit it out!
Pro EI : You looked like you were having a hard time in that meeting. I’m about to head out for coffee – can I shout you a mocha and a muffin? Oh wait, you drink green tea, right?
No EI : Reese, it’s covered in the manual. Look. It. Up.
Pro EI : Thanks for asking, Reese. I appreciate knowing when you’re not understanding –it helps prevent issues. Did you know this is covered in the manual? I’d love your feedback on whether that section needs a re-write.
No EI : Well, that’s never going to work.
Pro EI : It’s great that you’re contributing ideas, that’s how we improve. How do you see your idea working with our current system?
No EI : I can’t believe you did that! You just cost us THOUSANDS! Wait – are you really crying about that now? Jeez!
Pro EI : Why don’t you go home early today? Let’s catch up tomorrow and explore where to go from here.
No EI : Did you just email that to the CEO? Who do you think you are? You know all correspondence has to go through me!
Pro EI : Chris, it’s great that you’re excited about your new idea, but don’t forget the protocol we have to follow before it goes to the CEO. What if you worked it up into a brief for me, then we can discuss the best way to move forward?
No EI : Late? Again? That’s the third time this week.
Pro EI : You looked pretty flustered when you came in this morning, Jordan. And I noticed the same last week. What can I do to help?
What’s The Wrong Way To Use EI To Talk To Staff?
So while there are right ways to speak strategically with EI, ways that will increase your people management skills and get strong results… there are also wrong ways, as David Brent often showed us.
You don’t want to sound as if:
• You’re copying your statement from a manual without truly meaning it
• You’re jamming in a phrase you’ve learnt without really listening to your staffer, or
• You’ve skipped actually being a fab manager, and you’re heading straight for management know-it-all.
Here are some hot tips to help you speak to staff without rabbiting off Management Speak 101:
1. Use words that you’re comfortable with. If it’s natural for you to say, ‘Want to have a coffee and talk about it?’, that authenticity will work a lot better than ‘Please take time to tell me how I can offer you individual support”.
2. Speak in a way that your staff are comfortable with. If your team are more likely to say they’ll ‘let’s grab a coffee’ rather than ‘let’s schedule an informal meeting’, follow their lead. Mirror them.
3. Use the ideas you learn elsewhere, and tailor them to your workplace. If your staff have a culture of weekly one-on-one meetings, sticky notes on the wall, chatting on Teams, whatever… think how to communicate with EI in the medium they’re used to.
Where Do I Find A Good EI Role Model?
Following good EI role models is how we all learn, and how we can develop EI in others. You’ve been doing this since you were born.
Look to your senior managers for high EI, assuming they are good role models. Or look outside the organisation to a mentor, a professional coach or to the leaders of industry that you see in the media.
It’s sad but true that the people who usually bring us the bad news are the best trained in EI speak: the fire brigade and police media spokespeople have all practised communicating well.
The litmus test is how other people’s words make you FEEL. If someone has just told you that a project you’ve been working on for months isn’t to standard but you feel emotionally ‘in-tact’, supported and ready to get back to work on Mark II, then their EI is worthy of imitation. If you feel devalued, unmotivated, not heard – then find another role model.