A number of years ago, I met a CEO whose team members were running riot!  

They were stealing, falsifying timesheets, sleeping on shift and ignoring instructions. Our CEO’s plea was for me to find out why, then suggest ways he and his management team could deal with these issues that were white-anting his workplace.  

Five minutes with the team, minus the CEO, and the elephant in the room was obvious. The CEO was avoiding difficult conversations.  

Difficult experiences create difficult conversations 

After a day of peeling away the layers with the team, I sat with our exhausted CEO, who was desperate for me to hand him the magic bullet.  

Instead, I asked another question: “What’s your experience with the Fair Work Commission?” 

Without a word, his entire body released a thousand stories of pain, stress, overwhelm, fear, anxiety, inadequacy, shame, struggle and being wronged.  

He’d had not one, but many negative and stressful experiences with the godfather of difficult conversations, the Fair Work Ombudsmen. So why would someone who’d been through something so gruelling be quick to jump into a conversation with a staff member about an allegedly stolen anything?  

Lived experience follows you to work – then spreads to others 

What our CEO hadn’t recognised was that his ‘once bitten, twice shy’ avoidance tactic had invaded the organisation’s culture. No-one was having those accountability conversations, let alone the ones that create innovation and drive compliance.  

The knock-on effect was that he only attracted safe managers who wouldn’t make him feel uncomfortable by challenging problematic behaviours. In turn, the only staff they drew were those targeting his possessions. 

Now you may not have met the Ombudsmen, but I guarantee you will have a swag of people you could substitute for our CEO’s negative experience: an oppressive schoolteacher, a bullish boss, or a nit-picking auditor?! 

You’ll also have truckloads of experiences where you came off second best during a difficult conversation. 

The average person has up to 400 emotional experiences a day. None of us walk into the office and leave our personalities and prior experiences in reception. Being conscious that they influence our behaviour is one of the keys to removing the ‘difficult’ from those conversations.  

Next time you hear yourself bemoan “my staff are… not doing what they should be doing/ ignoring procedure/being unprofessional/not caring about our clients/insert other complaint”, ask yourself how your experience with difficult conversations is directly impacting the way you’re managing (or not managing) accountability within your team.  

Changing conversations, one chat at a time 

Once our CEO had identified his runaway emotions, he also recognised he had control. 

Our CEO’s next step was to brave those challenging conversation with consciousness, mindfulness and a large dose of self-compassion. One conversation at a time.  

If you’re also an avoider of difficult conversations, a similar attitude of self-awareness and action is the way forward. There’s no magic bullet, but that doesn’t mean it has to be hard.  

Next time, let’s talk about some easy techniques you can learn (and put into practice) in order to step your way through mastering conversations! 

Let’s gO!