I had a fantastically brave client once who, fresh faced and straight off the boat from Melbourne, was eager to bring their passion and experience to NDIS participants in remote Aboriginal communities around Alice Springs. But the reality of the paradigm shift was quite different to the dream.

During a workshop with the wider team, I noticed all of the support workers were struggling with participant compliance. To help them achieve better outcomes, I launched into an area that most people are frightened of; how to have a difficult conversation.

Here’s the story of what happened next – and the valuable lessons it teaches us about difficult conversations.

Prescribing a dose of tough love with a difficult conversation 

Our newest recruit in the workshop, Tory, bravely shared a story of trying but failing to convince a renal patient to go on dialysis. This was the mother of all difficult conversations, as it involved a very scared patient and a support worker that knew the only way to get the best outcome was with a dose of tough love.

Together, we workshopped a simple formula that’s easy to remember and simple to use. I even got to play the grumpy tjilpi as we roll played how the conversation might play out, so the team could use me as their crash test dummy.

The very next day, Tory returned to community and launched right in!

Without waiting to be perfect at this new skill or for the ‘right moment’, Tory made the tjilpi a hot gup-a-dee, added the mandatory three sugars and half a litre of full-fun milk and sat quietly with him, enjoying the desert scenery.

When the sweetness of the tea hit the old man’s veins, Tory started calmly meandering through the formula they’d learned just 24hrs before.

The old man lifted his gaze from the floor and gave our immensely caring and courageous new recruit the result they wanted, “Uwa” he said.

The room went silent as Tory’s colleagues looked on in disbelief at the prize they had just been given.

One conversation can change a community

In Team-O we talk about the seven-times ripple effect of being a great manager.

That one conversation benefited the old man, the team, their supervisor, the family, the community who were inspired by the participant’s courage, the organisation and of course, Tory – who will never be afraid of having a challenging conversation again.

You may not have a sick old man in your team, but these principles work just as effectively with a tetchy team member, a belligerent boss or a sulky spouse.

Let’s dive right in!

1. Prevention before cure

All upsets come from unmet expectations. So, before you get to the point where you’re lying awake at night worrying, think about cutting difficult conversations off at the knees. The best way to prevent difficult conversations is by setting clear expectations through regular supervision, operational meetings, toolbox talks, staff meetings, water cooler chats – whatever. Of course, this is a challenge in itself! But, there are tools that can help, such as our ‘important not urgent grid’ for prioritising tasks and managing time. Please email us if you’d like a copy.

2. Think about intention

While we like to believe that the era of ‘command and control’ management is over, it’s surprising how often it prevails – even for the most modern millennial manager! Entering conversations with a ‘my way or the highway’ attitude sets it up as a battle. If we go in with an attitude of empathy and discovery, we can reframe difficult conversations as intentional conversations, just as Tory did.

3. Feed forward

Imagine you decide you want to buy a red car. Soon after, you start to see red cars everywhere. The same happens when someone starts getting negative feedback. This goes back to our brain’s flight vs fight response to threats which we’ve developed over millennia. So as a manager, try using a technique called ‘feeding forward’ by simply sending as many positive messages as possible about what your direct report is doing right. It sets them up to deliver more of the same.

4. Steer not tell

Ever tried to tell a small child not to touch the stove? Ever seen a small child burn themselves on the stove? Which was more successful in getting the message across? While I’m not advocating to treat people like toddlers, this analogy shows why steering people works better than telling them. Try taking people on the journey with you, asking lots of open-ended questions that create self-discovery. And end the conversation by getting your direct report to affirm their commitment and buy-in.

5. Practice, practice, practice!

Sometimes, people expect to immediately master difficult conversations after doing one of my workshops. As Herbert Spencer, a 19th Century philosopher and psychologist said, “The great aim of education is not knowledge but action.” If you want to be competent, you need to be confident. If you want to be confident you need to have courage. The only way to become competent at tough conversations is to take a leaf out of Tory’s play-book and have the courage to practice, practice, practice.

Go with the flO….!